Hiding…

Who Do We Hide From?

In an attempt not to sound too much like the common teenager, or the common complainer…. or just common in general, I hope you, whoever you might be, can read this honestly. Though this blog may pretend to be about me, it’s not. Not for you anyway. I hope reading this can help you further understand yourself….

It’s the whole idea of reader’s theory and communication, really. How we see and interpret the world around us, and the messages people are trying to send us tells us more about ourselves, not about the thing or person communicating. I suppose the most shocking thing about this isn’t necessarily that our listening tells us more about ourselves than others, but that there is something that we need to learn about ourselves.

Why do we have to learn about ourselves through our interaction with others? Shouldn’t we already be well-acquainted with the person living inside this mortal flesh? I guess not, looking back. It seems that from the start, I have lived under the assumption that I know myself, and I always have. But as I get older, go through experience after mundane experience, I have come to realize that I don’t know myself at all.

In fact, it’s quite the opposite. I don’t know myself. I’ve been in hiding. Hiding the truth of my personality and identity beneath a thick wall of accomplishments, personality quirks, paper friendships, and empty dreams. What’s the use?

All through high-school, we were fed the bull-shit that we were learning who we we were. Who we wanted to be and what we wanted to do, but no one was willing to give us the tools needed to do that.

What Have We To Hide?

I hope no one dismisses this as the crazy ranting of some right-wing, Christian nut. It’s not. I’m trying to figure out why it is I do and say the things I do. Why you and I operate certain ways. So much of what I say and do in front of other people has nothing to do with me. Not the me that I have to live with everyday. That person is the person I am trying to diminish and destroy, because I don’t like that me. That me is not someone that I would want to be around or like, or marry, or befriend. That is the me I hide.

All of us set up social barriers between us and others. The person inside of us doesn’t contain the glimmer and glitz that we so often parade. As if dressing up the terrible person inside somehow makes up for the terrible person being there in the first place.

Maybe there are truly good people out there. People who aren’t fundamentally broken from the core. People who have set up their own imitations of “normalcy” and “wholeness” for the sake of their reputation, and self-satisfaction. If such people exist, I have yet to meet one.

I guess what I really don’t understand is if everyone is as broken and torn up inside as I am, why can’t we let it out? Why is it wrong of me to speak openly of these things, to leave my mindless blabbering to the front page of a blog post that no one will read instead of out in the public arena, screaming it at the top of my lungs in the middle of the cafeteria.

If we are all broken, why can’t we just be broken people together. Instead we have to flaunt our “fix” and our solution to every broken thing in this world as if it is the only option. (Don’t worry, I’m not going universalist on you…) I just wonder what’s the difference between a Republican and a Democrat, really? They’re just two broken people dressing up in different clothing. It’s like two wolves, one in white wool and the other in black.

Too Scared…

If you know me, don’t expect some grandiose change in my behavior. This isn’t my coming of age, or revelation moment. I’m not turning any corners or opening any new doors. I’ll continue to put up my defenses, put up my barriers and pretend to be whole, connected, and have some sense of normalcy. I’m far too self-conscious and scared to be anything else.

And maybe that’s what it comes down to. You and me, too damned scared to reveal ourselves to each other. I can’t show you any more of myself than I already have because to do that would mean risking not just my reputation, but what is essentially me.

Hopefully, this isn’t too convoluted and babbling…. I just don’t know what else to do or say. I’m too broken to form words that can speak to my feelings. These feelings that are rushing up from somewhere, is it the real me? The one I’m hiding? Probably not. Even this is being written under the social constraints that I impose on it. Perhaps it’s time I just resign myself to it…. but that’s really not what I want. I hope it’s not what you ant, either, but I’ll probably never know differently.

del.icio.us Tags: Life,Hiding,Self-Perception,Brokenness

It’s Been A While

As always, I’ve fallen behind on my blogging. This always seems to happen, but alas, that’s life! So, to update any readers I might have…. (maybe I should start linking to this page, huh?)

I’m in college now, and I absolutely love it! I’m studying music, and will begin studying theology and Biblical languages next semester. I’m considering not doing the Pre-Seminary path now, but even if I opt out, I’ll still take theology courses along with a Secondary Teaching degree. (Bachelor of Music Education)

My time here at Concordia has been very interesting. I’m being exposed to every point in the spectrum of Lutheran theology. This semester, our music department has added a new position in the area of “creative worship.” The professor (a Grammy nominee), is especially interested in using jazz improvisation with hymns and things. He seems fairly interested in using hymns and songs approved by the Purple Palace, but I remain very skeptical of the whole ordeal.

(I might sound like an old man but…) I find contemporary worship music more and more annoying the more I study the reformed, beautiful music of the church and the world throughout the ages. But  I regress.

I’ve been playing the organ, which is fantastic! That’s something I’ve just started this semester, but I really hope to continue and maybe even serve a church through the organ at some point!!

In other news, I’ve been using the (legal) Windows 7 Beta for quite a while now. I really enjoy it, and I’m currently writing this from Windows Live Writer within Windows 7. As a self-proclaimed Linux enthusiast, I’m very impressed with Redmond’s latest offering, and I look forward to final releases and products!

I’ve been reading a lot more, as part of a personal challenge to read at least 50 books this year. Shouldn’t be hard, but the latest book, We Wish To Inform You that Tomorrow We Will Be Killed With Our Families by Philip Gourevitch, has put a bit of a hitch in my pace. It’s a truly intriguing book about the Rwandan genocide (a tragedy of such magnitude that I am still

trying to wrap my brain around).

Anyway, that’s all for now, I hope to do a lot more with this in the near future. I think it’s important for me to have a place to voice and express my opinions and ranting!

In Christ,

JP

IceRocket Tags: Concordia,Rwanda,Windows 7,Contemporary Worship,Theology,Books

The Suffering Theologian and Contemporary Worship

The Church catholic (note the little c) is becoming more and more obsessed with the movements popularized by Pentacostals and revivalists. This movement is characterized by emotionally-driven, man-centered worship, and decision theology. This melting pot of heresy is even invading what was once a tenet of traditionalism: the Lutheran church.

More and more churches are adding contemporary services to appeal to younger crowds. They use alternate methods of reaching people, often watering down their theology in order to create a more inviting atmosphere.

Lutheran theology is defined by Luther as the theology of the cross. The theology of the cross is made up of a three-pronged process: prayer, meditation, and suffering. We pray that God would guide as we meditate on his word. We read and re-read Scripture and understand it. Our understanding and faith in God and His Word makes us prime subjects for spiritual attack.

(for more information on the theology of the cross, I would recommend: The Fire and the Staff by Klemet Preus, Spirituality of the Cross by Gene Edward Veith, Pastoral Care under the Cross by Richard Eyer, and articles on the topic in the Concordia Theological Quarterly)

There is a dicotomy created when a Lutheran church (confessing the theology of the cross) uses contemporary worship. There is no room for suffering in the practice of contemporary christian music and "praise bands." The music is filled with decision theology and ambiguous love songs toward some distant deity.

This is not our God! Our God is not hiding away somewhere in the heavens! God has revealed himself through Christ Jesus hanging on the cross!

For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified.
(I Corinthians 2:2, ESV)

I am not an expert on the topic, but it seems like a serious lack of logical consistency to see Lutheran churches practicing these horrible practices. The best form of worship (without contest) is the liturgical tradition of the Lutheran church. It clearly communicates the Gospel of Christ through scriptural songs and hymns:

Jesus Christ crucified for you.

Blogger in Draft

I'm just trying out the Blogger in Draft features.... it seems much more.... pretty, I suppose. I'm not really sure what all has changed, but that's why I'm here!

-JP

Tattoo!!!

Quick Hello

Just thought I'd drop in and say hello. I don't have a whole lot of time to write, but I thought I'd say hello. I've got to get to work by noon, but I have some other errands I'd like to get done before that. Anyway, for anyone who happens to read this, have a great day, and may you go with the peace of God.

-JP

Tattoos, Mohawks, and Others

Well, there it is. It's a sign for the trinity in Christianity, and is especially popular among Celtic Christians. I love it, even though it did hurt quite a bit.

I think it's a strange business altogether. After all, you pay someone a hundred dollars or more to stab you thousands of times for an hour. I guess I'm a sadist or something, but I really like it. Fortunately, so does my mother, but we agreed that it would be best that my dad not find out that I got it done.

Anyway, we had so much fun on Wednesday. We started our "field trip" at a firehouse where Brian, Mike, and I had lunch with the firefighters and then got to go a hundred feet up in a fire truck ladder thing. It was a whole lot of fun.

After that, we went and got Mike and Brian's head shaved into mohawks. (I think that's how you spelled it.) It was so much fun!!! After that, we went and spent the rest of the afternoon until 7, which was when my appointment for the tattoo was. It was at this little place off of the main street in Golden. It was awesome. The tattoo parlor is called Faith Tattoo Parlor.

It's a great place, and I would definitely recommend it to anyone looking for a place to get a good tattoo.

Anyway, for a little bit of background on my tattoo. I suppose I like it most because the symbol of trinity is all centered around the cross. It's going to be a constant reminder that the work of God, in all cases, is all centered around the cross. All things are made by, for, and through Jesus. The suffering of Christ on the cross is the center of God's work in my life, and it is my goal to make the cross of Christ my own as I pick up the cross that Christ has called us to.

Well, I have to get to a party in a little bit, so I'm off.

God's blessings!

-JP

Suffering

I had a discussion with my coworker's fiancee last night about the crucifix. I have never had a problem with the crucifix, and in fact, have become quite fond of it as a tool for reminding us that God suffered and died for my sins. I encountered something I had never been called: an idolater for depicting Christ on the cross.

This brother called the corpus on the cross a "graven image" which depicts God and therefore is an idol. I'm not one to take something like that sitting down, and attempted to defend myself as well as possible, but wasn't positive that my defense was solid. As this brother defined "graven image," I was indeed guilty of what he accused me of. If "graven image" means making an image of God, then the crucifix is, indeed, an idol.

This definition does not, however, coincide with the Biblical meaning of idol and is therefore often misused by iconoclasts. Accordng to Exodus 20, the "graven image" commandment actually concerns with making images of things in heaven, things in hell, or things which we don't understand. I'm not sure the exact restrictions of the commandment, but It is clear, according to Exodus 20, that a depiction of something that occured here, in the flesh, is not a sin.

Since God became man in the incarnation, God brought himself down to us and joined us in our sinful flesh. At Jesus birth, he became what we are. God ceases to be up and above us, where we must attempt to reach him. God is now among us, waiting to lift us out of our sin to perfection. This work is "finished" on the cross, where Christ takes our sin upon himself.

This is where many have a problem. Christ takes our sin upon himself. Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, becomes our sin according to Paul. This is not the image which modern Christians like. They prefer to see their God as all powerful and all-mighty, not suffering and dying like a theif on a cross. This is, however, where God chooses to be found.

Christ comes to us through suffering, and through that suffering do we find peace with God. Christ becomes our sin, so that he may become our righteousness. This is truly the most noble of human works, and through the work of Christ on the cross do we come into arms of the Father.

I will, therefore, continue to use the crucifix as a visual reminder of God's suffering. Of the day God died, and the day that I lived.

For if we are baptized into his death, surely we will be baptized into his resurrection.

Summertime, Summertime

Ah, the freedom and laid-back rest of summertime. If the sun were shining, I'm sure I'd be out and about, enjoying the wonderful world that God created. As it is, it is cold, wet, and windy outside, and thus, I sit here and enjoy the new wireless network I set up last night.

For anyone who actually reads this, I realize that my posts, which are few and far between, are not very helpful or informative, but I hope that I might be able to do more with it, and perhaps get more readers, as I prepare for my first semester at Concordia.

Yes, I graduated this past Saturday at DLHS. I am officially an alumnus of that school, and I am proud, and yet slightly disappointed that it is over. After spending so much of my life in one place, it is very strange to all of a sudden leave it behind and move on. I recognize that this is a necessary adaptation of every lifetime, but the thought that "every good thing must come to an end" is certainly a result of living in a sinful world.

I thank God, however, for his grace in giving us the next good thing. When one door closes, God has a way of finding his way through and providing more and more opportunities for growth and faith.

If there is anything I learned this last school year, I think it was how gracious God truly is. Despite our shortfalls, our sin, and our outright rebellion, he still blesses us with life, with health, with family and friends. Our lives are completely subject to the power of God, and yet we receive life despite our despicable actions. God is truly merciful.

To the next stage, I walk with Christ through suffering, carrying my cross.

Strangely enough, I don't have a whole lot to talk about right now. I know, it's been over a month, you'd think I would have accumulated a multitude of topics and discussions, but at the moment, I'm drawing a blank.

I was finally able to attend church this morning. It was the first time this month (save the Epiphany service). I had been working a lot of Sundays, but myself and another co-worker discussed it with her, and we are no longer scheduled for every single Sunday. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but you'd think that at a Christian book store, I'd be able to have at least most Sundays off. Oh well, it's fixed now!

School is really starting to bore me. It's that monster called "Senioritis" rearing it's ugly head again! I was, at one point, bound and determined never to let my status as a second-semester senior affect my performance in school, but after about a week during the first week of school, that went out the window.

I do have some unfortunate news, however. The Spring Play this year is going to be Romeo and Juliet. As much of a huge Shakespeare fan I am, this is the one play that I am unhappy with the choice. I know that it isn't necessarily over-done, but it is a terrible story! I have so many problems believing that anyone would be so foolish as to commit the hasty acts of rebellion as the characters in the stupid play. Perhaps my wildly romantic side is lying dormant, but it seems like an extremely bad choice for a play.... Oh well, I'll endure it. I know that if I don't do it, I'll be strung up in the tree outside of the costume house.

In much better news: We've been reading 1 Corinthians in Bible class recently, and, as usual, I'm really enjoying the class! Our teacher has a very interesting way of teaching Scripture, he rarely muddles the classroom with other materials for us to read. The Word is the textbook, and when we do use something else it's either Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis, or another book that happens to be escaping me at the moment.

Anyway, I've really been enjoying Paul's first letter to the church at Corinth. I love, especially chapters 7 and 13, of course. I find Paul's message of love and his "intolerant" message of sexual immorality to be encouraging. Paul encourages loving others, while emphasizes the need to keep our churches as pure from immorality as we can. We make every effort to reconcile with our brothers and sisters, but at the same time, we continue to serve God in purity.

A section I found particularly interesting was 2:1-5:

1 And I, when I came to you, brothers, did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom.

2 For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified.

3 I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling,

4 and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power,

5 that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.

I have, for so long, tried to convince people of Christ. I've attempted to use logic and my own rhetoric, to attempt to bring people into the fold. But if Paul, arguably the most influential apostle and evangelist, professed to know only Christ and what he has done through him, then what good are my words? What good is my logic?

Yet again, God humbles us so that we may boast only in the Lord. After all, Paul, the most qualified of Christians, puts all of his wisdom, insight, and knowledge aside. When he shares the Gospel, he commits to sharing the Gospel: pure and unadulterated: "We are saved by grace, through faith, for the sake of Christ."

Such an amazing promise! We Christians can have great relief in these few verses. Our attempts to evangelize are excellent opportunities to share God's pure Gospel. So often, however we try to put our own spin on it. Entire churches have twisted the Gospel to become the Law (see Osteen, Meyer, Hinn, etc...) and instead leave the hearer with no assurance of life, and no comfort in the Gospel. This was, in Luther's view, the most detestable of abominations, and is exactly the kind of thing he wanted to reform in the Roman Catholic Church.

But the Gospel, pure and Holy, gives comfort to the weary, strength to the weak, humbles the proud, and gives life to the dead. That's all we need.

In the power and grace of Christ,

James